Still Working it Out

This is from a letter that I wrote to my friend Andrew this week:

So, basically, I feel like, hmmm..OK, so I think there are certain points in other animal's lives where these cracks, minute stretches and changes happen. Maybe when some crustacean has to do this final expansion to molt out of its old shell? Or maybe when a rattlesnake gets a new ring on its tail, or maybe when a sapling finally finds a window of light when an old tree falls, and has to spurt up with growth in order to fill the empty spot. Like that. But I think that people have those times, sometimes really recognizable, and we do recognize them, you know, transitions. Bar mitzvahs, first communions, weddings, babies being born, significant birthdays. Normal times of growth. Expected times. Like the ring on the rattlesnake's tail. But there are also those unexpected times, like the sapling in the forest, where opportunity creates this growth. But then there are also small crackings and changes happening all the time that start to build up, like what happens with a lobster or a crab, I mean it's not sudden, really. It just seems sudden, but it's really all of these tiny steps leading up to that final crack. And all of these things happen to us, all the time, and start to shape who we are. And if we don't notice them, then we have no decision power over how we are shaped. Because we are shaped by what happens to us, a lot, I think. So we are obligated to notice.

But, then, I also see life as a decision tree, see it that way in my head. But more fluid. Because I think, equally, that the choices we make, including the choices we make about how to feel or how to react what happens to us, I think that shapes us, too. Maybe more. So it's like every choice we are making shapes the person we become. Not in a big, paralyzing way, but more like, I don't know, an opportunity? Because I think we would have to go very, very far down one part of the tree before we would lose the opportunity to explore other parts. I mean, I don't know if I think it's ever a done deal. You would have to make the same kind of choices, over and over again, in order for that to happen.

I'm not really talking about life in terms of what kind of job you have, or where you live. That stuff doesn't really matter, I think. I think, when I'm talking about all of this stuff, it's about the kind of person you are, the kind of life you lead, like big L life. The extraordinary parts. What kind of parent you are, how you treat people. sense of fulfillment, the love you create, all that.

So there is all this thinking about life, and opportunities, and growing, and how sometimes you can feel the actual stretches and cracks. For me, mostly in my mind, it's like I feel it grow bigger to grasp some new idea, or I can almost feel another new wrinkle forming in the grey jelly. (Actually, it's more like tofu. I used to own a human brain, through a very strange set of circumstances). But then there is fitting all of this together with kind of putting together who you are in a way that makes sense. I think we all have some sense of who we are, the pieces, the contradictions. But I don't know that we have, or I least I don't know that I have, a big picture sense of how it all fits together. And I feel like it's really important to know that. Maybe it means everything to be able to know that. But it is probably something we won't know or can't know until we are very old. Because I think you need perspective. For example, I have a very strong sense of self. And although I am always striving, I really do like who I am, most of the time. I get why I crave perfection, I know how I work. I'm in this kind of comfortable, "Well, this is me," kind of part of my life. But I'm still so far from where I want to be, and I know there is a connection with the rest of the world that I am kind of getting involved in, but I'm not there yet. So I'm working on the big picture right now. Thinking about it. Figuring out which parts are pivotal, and which don't matter.

I see what you are saying, with your hobbies centering around crying, diapers, and blocks. So much of my life and energy is invested in loving and raising other people's children. We have to put them first. I understand why we have to. But even though our hearts don't always stay loving the same people, I do think they stay loving many of the same things and ideas, find fulfillment in ways that don't always change. So it seems sad to be giving those up, or always setting them aside. Biologically, it doesn't make sense for us to need these higher ideas. Is our evolution actually a means of subverting our true nature? Hmmm...and if that's true, then could that be true of other plants or animals?